On February 1st we welcomed our second son into the world. And while the days following were a sort of “honeymoon phase”, the realities of motherhood have begun to settle in. Please don’t get me wrong, motherhood is a blessing and I’m incredibly grateful for my family; however, this new phase of life has revealed a personal struggle within myself. So, with total transparency…
I struggle with anxiety during seasons of rest.
Before leaving the hospital, the doctor instructed me to “go home & rest.” A task that’s easier said than done. When postpartum with my firstborn, I did not rest. I was planting the garden my first week home and baking/attending multiple farmer’s markets by week two. Knowing I overdid it with my firstborn, I was determined to take the doctors advise this time around. But I found myself wrestling with “cabin fever”. By five days postpartum I had created a to-do list a mile long, I felt overwhelmed, and decided to take matters into my own hands. I took out several bags of frozen berries with the intent of starting a canning marathon. And that’s when God stepped in. My feet became swollen to the point I couldn’t stand, so I had to sit with my legs elevated for a full day. I was forced to rest. I intended to begin my canning the following day; however, that night I was struck with a stomach bug. I was forced to rest another day. It was during this time of rest that I took some time for some much-needed reflection.
Why did I feel so overwhelmed? Nobody was putting pressure on me to accomplish these tasks. In fact, the doctor had instructed me to “go home & rest,” just the opposite. And my husband was tending to our toddler & managing the farm, making it possible for me to literally do nothing but rest and bond with our new baby. But here I was creating work for myself and frustrated by the lack of results.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.” Biblically speaking there is a time for rest. God created the Sabbath as a day of rest. And even in nature, you can observe seasons of rest. Chickens molt, trees lose their leaves, and we rotationally graze our cattle to provide rest to the land. Rest serves a purpose.
Growing up on a farm instilled a strong work ethic in me from a young age and while working hard is often seen as a positive trait, it can sometimes be taken too far. When I look around at my fellow farmers, I often find individuals who are burnt out. I believe this is largely due to the nature of farming. Farmers don’t “clock in and clock out” of work, it’s 24/7, 365 days per year. It’s a job that doesn’t come with vacation time and since your farm is your home, your list of to-do’s is constantly in front of you. Not to mention the constant fluctuation of market prices and input costs. No wonder so many farmers are stressed out!
I too have fallen into this trap, and it’s been under personal conviction that I’ve realized my own struggle with anxiety. My anxiety camouflaged itself behind my self-prescribed work-ethic. I thought by working hard constantly, I was being a positive example to my kids; but I was blind to the damage my “workaholic” mentality was having. This past year the majority of dinners consisted of fast-food, eaten in the living room, while the oven ran non-stop to fulfill baked good orders. The rare family movie-night with the nieces & nephews only received half my attention while I used the time to balance the finances or edit farm content on my phone. And Sunday afternoons were used to run errands between church services. I thought I was “being efficient” but I was missing the concept, efficiency isn’t everything.
Recently I stumbled across a quote that said, “Rest will feel like a sin, when work becomes an idol.” This quote struck home for me. I’ve let the farm become my idol. I need to be a wife/mother first and a farmer second, not the other way around. And coupled with this idolatry is my personal struggle with anxiety. Rest is an act of trust. It’s trusting that God will provide for you, when you follow His calling.
I truly believe that our farm is God’s calling. Therefore, I need to step back and let God take control. Matthew 11:28 states, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
I am grateful for this season of rest and time of conviction. I’m happy to snuggle my babies, free from anxiety. My burdens have been lifted, and I can take time to reevaluate my priorities. As I enter this new chapter of motherhood, I want to make the following changes…
1. 1. Spending time in God’s Word every morning. Not jumping into my day and reading my Bible “when I have time for it”. Put God 1st.
2. 2. Supply my body (& my family’s) with adequate nutrients. And meal prep! Our farm focuses on creating nutrient-dense & clean foods; making it pretty ironic that we ate so poorly this past year, because I didn’t have time to cook. If I don’t have time, I need to make time. Proper nourishment should be a priority. (Same with exercise)
3. 3. Spend quality time as a family. Efficiency needs to take a back-seat in this case. I want to do chores with the kids, at their speed. I want to see the world through their eyes and give them time to enjoy it. Errands can wait ‘til Monday.
4. 4. Be spontaneous & take a day off. Life is more than work and dollar signs. Take time to be present in the moment and create memories. Go fishing & pack a picnic.
5. 5. Discover something new.
I believe God’s blessings will abound when I put my trust in Him, Behold Him.
Sincerely,
Mattea VanDerwerken